How To Have Great Sex - Even If You're Married With Children

A Top Ten Tip List for parents who want to know how to have great sex in spite of the kids.

But first, a little background. Look, I'm happily married with children. I think I was warned a few times, but I didn't take anyone seriously. When they said having children would change my sex life - they weren't kidding. I just thought I knew better than anyone else. Boy was I wrong!

I don't know if you, the reader, are married or single - whether or not you have children. But the following information can apply to couples who are simply busy.

You may be facing a few problems. My wife and I come up against opposition to our love life almost everyday.

Sometimes, sex is just the last thing on the to-do list and being last - we don't get to it. Other days, we're too tired and/or it just doesn't seem to be worth the effort. (Okay, that one might apply more to her than to me...)

There have been times when one or more of our kids finds the perfect time to interrupt us, just as we've decided the timing is right. As an aside, I've often wondered if the kids come with a built in mommy/daddy/sex radar - they sense that the mood is right and that's when they decide to "need a drink/need help going potty/have a bad dream, etc." Just wondering...

In any case, if you want to have great sex - you have to be able to find some time and some energy; and you'll need to work on your physical skills as well as your emotional connection.

Guys - it's easy for us to think of sex as a physical act, with little regard to the emotional component. For the lady in our life to respond to our advances, it's important to make sure we're focusing on the emotional connection first. We'll touch on this more in the ten tips that follow...

Ladies - us guys can be pretty thick-headed sometimes. For us , sex is usually more about the physical act and has less to do with the state of our emotions. Even if we've had a bad day - we can forget all about it and be ready for love in minutes, if not seconds...

So without further ado - here is my list of ten tips that will help you learn how to have great sex:

1) Work as a team - whether you're parents or life's just busy; you have responsibilities and roles within your relationship. It may not be possible to split things up 50:50 - but it is important to be clear about expectations. Disappointment, frustration, bitterness and resentment all stem from unmet expectations - so define and divide the responsibilities and roles - and keep the communication lines open. Feeling like you're on the same team can go a long way toward your emotional connection (guys - remember to do anything you can to improve the emotional connection.)

2) Prioritize - Repeat after me... Sex is important and worth the effort... Sex is important and worth the effort... Maybe that's corny - but sex is a way to cement and reinforce your bond - it's energizing and relaxing at the same time. It brings about a sense of well-being and makes you feel good about life in general and more specifically, yourself. You may find yourself thinking it takes too much effort (ladies) however - if you remember that sex strengthens your relationship and a strong relationship make sex easier...which strengthens your relationship...which makes having great sex easier...you get the idea.

3) You don't always have to be "in the mood." (This one gets directed more toward the ladies.) Back in the day, you may have been able to look at your lover and feel aroused. But after a year or two, that usually goes away. It's okay to blame it on the socks that never make it into the hamper, or the mess in his area of the garage - but that stuff didn't always matter. You felt passion without letting those quirks get in the way - you may have even thought the quirks were cute at first. One thing to realize - if you start the physical act, the feelings will follow shortly. To be very blunt - my wife and I still work on this one - she'll go ahead even though she really doesn't "feel" like it - and within minutes the feelings follow and she is wondering why she would hold out on herself (and me.) This can work for guys too - sometimes love boils down to a decision. So decide to engage in something that's healthy for your relationship and know that the feelings will follow.

4) About spontaneity - where exactly is it written that great sex has to be spontaneous? I do like spontaneity, and it was certainly more spontaneous when we were first dating, but that was 10 years and 4 kids ago. Now it takes planning - but isn't it worth planning to have great sex? It may take a date, a mini-moon, creating the right atmosphere, music, candles, babysitters - there are lots of ways to be intentional about spending some time together. And if you're really against planning for it - you can plan for the possibility of a relaxed moment turning into an opportunity for passion. I have been know to have "rancid breath" - so I keep Altoid mints on my side of the headboard. The last thing I want is for the stars and planets to line up and not be able to get a kiss...

5) Know your limits - maybe you've recently had a baby. Even if you're ready for sex, it's going to need to be gentle and tender - guys, you'll have to work at this so she can enjoy without too much exertion. After a few months, you may be ready for more - but again, know your limits and be prepared for coitus interruptus the kids come with radar. As the kids get older and more independent, you'll be able to devote more time and more energy to have great sex.

6) Cuddle Time - For those with children - you can explain to your children that mommy and daddy like to cuddle - just as they like cuddles. They may interrupt you less, without too many uncomfortable questions. Call me a crappy parent, but I have said something like this before - "Daddy and Mommy are having cuddle time, while you're watching your movie - go back and finish the movie and we'll all go for ice-cream afterward. (Bribery does work.)

7) "Do you think I'm sexy?" - Confession time - I've probably gained about 25 pounds since I got married - chalk it up to my wife's great cooking, my own lack of discipline when it comes to exercise. But the net result is, I've got a few curves and handles I didn't used to have. 4 kids later, so does she. We both get bombarded with images of "what's sexy" everyday on TV. What are we supposed to do? Well, we can still call each other as sensual, curvy, softer, full of warmth and depth. Our kids are sensual - they learn a lot about the world through their sense of taste and touch, especially in the early years. We can take a cue from them and approach each other with the same sense of wonder, exploring our own sensuality through our senses of touch and taste. Go ahead - give it a try.

8) Remember not to reduce things to the logistics only. Even if you're planning and putting more energy into setting up opportunities for passion - take time to nurture your relationship. Make foreplay a way of life - and guys, I don't mean foreplay the way you're thinking. Just be kind, be helpful around the house, communicate, leave love notes - or today - text message notes. Be random, be creative - on my wife's last birthday, I sent her about 30 text messages throughout the day - Happy B-Day, I love you, You're beautiful, etc. Guess who got the best birthday present at the end of the day - I think I did. Why? Glad you asked - because the whole day was foreplay to her and she knew I was thinking about her, connecting with her even though I was at work.

9) Call it selfless selfishness - To be able to take care of each other and your kids, you have to take care of yourself. If you're grumpy, tired, and full of resentment - you won't be a good partner and you won't be a good parent. If you know how to have great sex, you'll be more relaxed, more energized and you'll be getting along better with your "teammate." It may seem like having to do more, but I'm trying to help you lighten your load by increasing your level of happiness and satisfaction.

10) Love and enjoy life - have you ever watched kids at play? They approach life differently than we do as adults. They have so much energy and savor every experience - we can learn a lot from them. It is much easier for them to love unconditionally, forgive quickly and pick up the pieces after learning from their mistakes. They bounce back - somehow on the road to adulthood, many of us lose those abilities. If you have kids, try to watch and learn - they love life and enjoy everything. If you can keep the love between you and your partner strong - the kids will see it and that will create a positive feedback loop enhancing the bonds of love within your household.

Bottom line - you can enjoy the benefits of great sex - you can share those same benefits with your partner. If that's not enough, remember that your kids will benefit by seeing their parents happy and in love.

In summary - whether you're married, busy or otherwise: You can have sex, you can have good sex - but wouldn't you rather know how to have great sex? I know my answer to that question, and by following these tips and some of the content further down this blog - I hope you find yourself connecting with your partner on a deeper and more meaningful level.

By the way - my wife and I found these Lovemaking Tips on How to have Great Sex - to be a great place to start spicing things up. Let me know what you think...

Enjoy! - John