Navigating Through our Desire Differences | How To Have Great Sex

We've been married over ten years now. I still have the libido of an 18 year old - her, not so much. She almost never wants to, me - I'm "insatiable." And I don't think I'm alone in this - most guys want to have great sex and have lots of it. So what gives? and more importantly, what can I do about it?

First step - understand the problem. During our "hot and heavy" period, which lasted about a year - we couldn't keep our hands off each other. She even warned me that she wasn't normally that sexual. After that first year, things cooled off for her. She just felt a lot less desire for sex. The sexual syncronicity of our first year wore off. There I was, wanting sex a lot more often than her.

This became a sore spot for me and caused some problems for us. I let bitterness and resentment fester, and to her - I became the nymphomaniac sex-fiend. Not good. I felt abnormal for wanting to have sex with my wife - how lame. Ultimately, we had to figure out that there was no "normal" - that name-calling and resentment had no place in our marriage. We ended up realizing we had three choices.

1. Remain miserable and loveless
2. Get a divorce over it
3. Find some common ground and make some compromises

We're much happier now and didn't end up divorced. Yes, we had to do some negotiating on our sexual frequency.

Oddly enough, one of her big issues was spontaneity. She wanted sex to be unplanned and spontaneous - like way too many unrealistic scenes from the movies. Of course, there's a reason people say things like, "only in the movies." We had to come to the realization that, while we were spontaneous early on - after ten years and kids; we needed to get out our daily organizers and start scheduling sex dates.

It was weird at first, but we got used to it. Here's what we found.

Me - I'd like to have great sex at least once a day. Her - well, once or twice a month is enough. For us, once a week was a good place to start. I can live with that (but I'd still like it more.)

She didn't like the idea too much at first. The big question was: "What if it's our night and I'm just not in the mood?" Good question - my initial response was, "Suck it up - huck a buck - tonight's my night little girl." But I didn't say that out loud - she CAN punch pretty hard. Instead, we got some advice from a counselor who basically said that was a common question and ultimately, try sticking to the schedule thing for a month or so and see if the question was still an issue.

I try to make our "date nights" special. Sometimes I'll arrange a babysitter and take her to a nice dinner or go see a movie. We've also gone for a few drinks and dancing. Sometimes, I'll just offer a back rub or foot massage - in OR out of our hot tub.

This "sexual schedule" works great for me. Instead of trying to pressure her into having sex with me every night, I'm learning to wait for it. She likes the relief of not being pressured. We can relax, there's no resentment and finally we're having great sex on a consistent basis. She doesn't have to fight me off - instead we can both be excited about our sex life and look forward to those moments we can share as we learn how to have great sex.